An Expert View on the LA Galaxy

Thanks to our partnership with the RAND and their Completely False Statements Machine, we are bringing a series of expert opinions to help educate you on teams other than D.C. United when we first face them this season. Today, with our boys flying out to Tinsel town, we thought we'd go to someone who dishes out the gossip on things celebrity, Perez Hilton. Mr. Hilton, welcome to the DCenters.


Glad to be here. I don't know much about this whole socker, kicking ball thing, but I have been trying to read up for David's arrival. Speaking of which, have I got some gossip for you. Apparently, Bianca is pissed that the Galaxy named the street the Home Depot Center is on after Mrs. Beckham. Can you say catfight?



That would probably get better ratings than tomorrow's game.



Tell me about it. But Bianca is also battling problems at home. She has had to baby her hubby way too much for her liking, including consoling him after the American Idol finale. Landon has gotten a little better since then and has been seen reading a new book around town. The book is Making Waves, by David Hasselhof. Apparently, it was a gift from a friend who told Landon he could learn something from the Hoff about being successful in Europe.

He certainly has a lot to study on that subject. Any other juicy rumors to report?



But of course. Galaxy front man Alexi Lalas was seen around town at a bunch of swanky clubs trying to pick up chicks. He is known in certain circles for claiming undying love and then jumping town to the next sweet thing. Some of his pick-up lines were amazing though.



Such as? I always am looking for good pick-up lines.



Well these were amazing, but not necessarily good. My favorite was "My dick's so big, its a superclub." I don't even know what that is referencing, I just think he believes the word "super" impresses people. The other one he used a bunch was "Wanna see my firecrotch?" It seemed to work better than "At least I'm bigger than Cobi."


Wow, I don't know what to say. Uhh...moving on?




Well Lalas is also having problems with the law. Apparently he is being investigated for "loaning" out some of the girls he has managed to bring home.





It sounds like Alexi is having problems with the ladies. I guess things have gone down hill since he shaved the goatee. Any other news in Galaxy land?



Kyle Martino is taking the weekend off to star in a film.







He got a red card and he lined up an acting gig? That's pretty impressive.




Actually, he got the red card on purpose because this "acting" gig was already on his schedule. He has decided to go the Dustin Diamond route and will be starring in a porno movie. It is tentatively titled "The Pussy of the Year."



Is Martino the main character? Don't answer that. How did he line up the job?



The usual way. He met a stripper that worked in the biz. Why do you think he wanted out of Columbus? He has a bigger stripper craving than A-Rod. Of course he also has nowhere near the money, hence the second job.




Well, I guess it's a bit more interesting than loan processing.




I'll say. Another player who is looking into a different profession is Chris Albright. He is out with a nasty injury but is looking to get his cosmetology certificate after being enthralled with Bravo's Shear Genius.




That show isn't nearly as good as Project Runway. Uhh, I mean, ha, he is going to beautician school. Yeah, ha. What other dirt did you get?




That is about it for my Galaxy report. As you can tell, other than Beckham there really isn't that much going on. Speaking of, I hear David is looking for a new American "personal assistant" if any young LA women are job hunting.




And with that, we are done.