A Faster Way to Win Games Now

I am still tabulating up some info on the fouls analysis, but I can provide some interesting insight into home field advantage, and how it may work to United's benefit this season. If you read the press releases, you know that United has recently signed a new concession contract with Sodexo to provide concession services at United's games. Now, being the kind of person I am, I sent random emails to Sodexo to talk about the concession deal, and was eventually put in touch with Avril Bufon, the Director of Beverage Utilization and Nutritional Consumption at Sodexo. Our conversation was brief, and related to the discussions about the new fan experience at games, but what was more interesting was a discussion about the team's performance and beer sales.

I had begun by asking if it seems that fans purchase more beer when the team is losing (to drown misery) or winning (to celebrate). Now, Avril had statistics on beer sales for the entire 2008 season "to serve as our throughput benchmarks for the upcoming season, to see if we are exceeding previously established rates of return from the prior vendor coordinator." While gross beer sales seemed to be all over the place, she did note that they internally adjust sales based on attendance. And here there was a definite trend: There were more beers (and lemonades) purchased on game days where United won the match.

Now, I didn't think of this much, until yesterday, whenI received from Ms. Bufon some very interesting data. At first, I dismissed correlation between Goals Scored and beverage consumption as a manifestation of the weather: United had a very strong August and June in its home matches last year, which is also when it gets pretty hot at RFK. But more interesting was the correlation between first half beverage sales (they track this data to "maximize the deployment of vendor resources) and goals scored, even when most of the goals are in the second half (this game, for instance)

Even more, check out this quick analysis I through together of some of the data she gave me (consumption statistics are for pregame and in house+vendor sales until half-time)

There seems to be a very strong positive correlation between consumption in just the first half and overall team performance. When I e-mailed Ms. Bufon, she was not surprised, "Oh, it is a well known phenomena. Crowd intensity, which can be increased by drinking and the associated lowering on inhibitions, is a far more potent factor than crowd size. United fans tend to have a reputation for increased intensity, and we hope, increased thirst. It's one of the reasons we bid on this contract." She then sent me a long list to what appear to be psychological studies of this factor. "Drinking helps people believe, and the sooner they are drunk, the faster their belief affects their support at matches. If you drink enough, you can believe anything."

So there you have it. If you want to have an enjoyable United season, then start drinking, and the earlier the better.

An Expert Opinion on The Moves of Ben Olsen

The news that Ben Olsen would be out 4-8 weeks, just days after his inspirational return to the pitch, is naturally heartbreaking. But after discussing his Dick's sporting Goods commercial, we wondered how he felt he would be after his surgery. Would he still have the moves that he casually announced to Brian Ching and Christian Gomez? What other moves does Ben Olsen have that he can bring back to the pitch in his return? To answer those questions, there was only one place to go... to the man himself. So providing the expert opinion on the moves of Ben Olsen will be Ben Olsen. Ben, welcome to the DCenters.

Hey, yeah, good to be here. You know, I could write a blog. But it wouldn't be about soccer. It would be about, I think, the works of David Salle, and the influence he's had. And about how Bobby Boswell doesn't understand neo-expressionism.

That would be an interesting topic. Anyway, Ben, the rules are simple. We'll show you a move on TV, and you let us know if that's a move that you have. Ready?

I think I can handle that.

Excellent. Here's the first one.

Yeah, I got that move.

Yeah, I got that move.

Yeah, I got that move.

Yeah, I got that move.

No, I can't... Wait a minute, I forgot, Yeah, I got that move. Just haven't used it recently.

Yeah, I got that move.

An Expert Opinion on The Holidays

Hey everyone, Ben Olsen here. I know everyone's busy with the Holidays, and that some people are upset about a War on Christmas. Well, me too. This is a time when we should all be celebrating be a part of this crazy thing called life, and being part of that extended dysfunctional family called humanity. We may not see eye-to-eye at times, but we're alike in many more ways than we differ.

As a leader, it's my job sometimes to put myself in the spotlight in difficult situation. Believe me, after you've had to talk to Brian Hall after one of his phantom foul calls, getting between Chris Hitchens and the Catholic League is easy in comparison. So if we all are going to get upset about what terminology to use this time of year, then maybe we should just agree that no matter what, we all need a little Ben Olsen in our lives. I may not have the standing of the great religious leaders or scientists in life, but that's probably a good thing. We need to calm down a bit. I'm not saying to live without passion, but you need to maintain the right amount of intensity in your life, sticking for what you believe in without going over the line of being a jerk. I know exactly where that line is, and every time I stop Alex Prus for a chat, I go right up to that line, but not over it.

I know we all want to celebrate the miracle of the season, but our traditions divide us on which miracles to choose, and perhaps divide us on saying which ones actually happened. Look, all I know is that third goal I put in against New York is on videotape, you all saw it on YouTube, so I think we can agree it happened. And this time of year is a time for humility, so I want you to remember that even after that amazing hat trick, I still compared myself to a dog's ass in the post-game interviews. That's the holiday spirit.

Some of you may be worried that we're losing the mysticism of the season, but then again I can offer myself as a solution. Science can explain many things, but the growth rate of my facial hair is a known contradiction to the second law of thermodynamics. So there's still room for the unexplained, for the miraculous, even in our technologically crazy world.

So look, I know we all want to claim ownership of this time of year for our own causes, but you have to know how to share the ball sometimes. There's no reason to get annoyed on how people wish you the best for the year, just remember that they're wishing you the best. That's the spirit of the season -- the Ben Olsen spirit. Let's all try to keep together this holiday season, and appreciate our fellows who are just trying to get by on this spinning globe. Happy Ben days, and a Merry Olsen to all. I think we can all agree on that.

Life Imitated Satire: Morrisey is a Chivas Fan

I saw this noted briefly at DuNord, but Kyle Guftason of Information Leafblower (and many DCist posts and photo galleries) sent us this link that proved Morrisey is a CD Chivas USA supporter. Of course, if you're a regular reader of the DCenters, you got the information directly from the man himself back in May of this year. Hilarity ensues.

The Experts' Opinion on Real Salt Lake

This season The DCenters are providing a series of Expert Opinions each occasion DC United faces a team for the first time. Last Year, there was considerable kerfluffle between DC and Real Salt Lake when Piotr Nowak yelled at Atiba Harris "Send him to hospital!" No one was quite sure what he meant, but thanks to a tape recently handed to us by WTTG-FOX 5 in DC, we now know exactly what Piotr was doing. Let's roll the tape...



Okay people, patient is a 3 year old professional soccer team, admitted by a strange polish man. Symptoms include zero win count, a -9 goal differential through 11 games, and an outrageous number of fines by the league. Differential diagnosis... wait, didn't all of you quit or get fired?





Nah, there's some contrived reason we're all back together again. Cuddy explains it in the season premier.







Well, while we're waiting for that retcon to come through, do you want to offer an opinion or do want to continue writing Firefly slash fiction? This team is in bad shape. I mean, if it were up to me, I'd just let them die, but apparently some people have a notion that you come to the hospital to get better.





Why are you so mean to this team? I admire them and their fans for perservering despite the pain. Why can't you understand that?







You just like them because they're hopeless. I suppose that's why you're wearing that ridiculously impractical outfit. Now, does anyone actually want to try, I dunno, here's a crazy thought, coming up with a diagnosis?






It could be cancer. No team should be underperforming like that unless their system has been compromised. Those Freddy Adu quotes could be strongly indicative of a locker room cancer. Explains the on-field communication issues as well.





Sure, it could be cancer, if this team hadn't blazed a new path on Trail of Suck for the last three years. Symptoms predate the exposure to Adu. It's not cancer.






We should do a full cardio workup. Perhaps this teams lacks heart. Explains the communication, explains the lack of goal scoring, and the inability to close games out.






Team just got a fresh infusion of heart from Eskandarian and Kreis, and I don't see evidence of full rejection. A heart problem doesn't explain the lack of composure. It's not cardio.







What about Lupus?








It's NOT Lupus. It's never Lupus. When will you get tired of that running joke? What do we know about the environment?







Foreman and I broke into the Rice-Eccles stadium. The surface is disgusting, but the support system is there and the atmosphere is still tolerable, although with all these problems the fans may turn on them.





So it's not environmental, not cardio, not cancer, not Lupus. Anyone want to guess something it might be?







Maybe it's neurological. It would explain all of the symptoms, the entire team is getting faulty instruction from the front office and the ownership. Add to that the crossed signals, high tension from the stadium situation, and the long period of illness in the patient history. It's all there.




Oooohhhh, a brain disorder. Sexy. Not as sexy as what Cameron's trying to be, but still sexy. But we can't just remove the brain.







Anyways, they've already done a coach transplant, which prompted many of the salary dumps we're seeing and the excessive fines.







New systems take time to implement. The team is still flushing the detritus of Ellinger's Disease out of its system.







Sounds good. Stop all treatment, give them time to get it through their system, and see if it turns around.







But if we do that, they may not have a chance this weekend.








No, you may not have a chance with them this weekend is what you're saying. Let 'em get worse, then they'll get better. Once we see improvement, we can start treatment with several cc's of additional salary or a designated player. Or they'll die, and we can autopsy the team and figure out which of you screwed up. It's a win-win.

The Experts' View on the Chicago Fire

This season The DCenters are providing a series of Expert Opinions each occasion DC United faces a team for the first time. Chicago seemed to be an interesting case, so this time we bring you a roundtable of experts to provide their unique insight about Fire. First, please Democratic Candidate for President and Illinois Senator, Barack Obama:

It's somewhat surprising to find myself here. Four years ago I never would have imagined that I'd be on some cheap soccer blog addressing a bunch of soccer fans. It just shows you the power of dreams in America.

Well, we're glad you're here. Our next expert is famous and beloved for his social awareness around the country. Please welcome Smokey The Bear.


Jesus H. Christ on a pogo stick, do you people not pay attention? It's just Smokey Bear. No "The" in it. I mean, gimme a friggin' break. Donald Duck, Bucky Cat, Smokey Bear. Same frickin' thing.




Sorry Mr. Bear. Won't happen again. My apologies. Our final guest is courtesy of Mary Shelly, please welcome Dr. Frankenstein's Monster.



GRAH!!! GRAHHHHHHH!!!!

Excellent. Well, let's talk about Chicago, they're facing some difficulties with injuries and National Team callups. No Mapp, Guerrero, Thiago, Rolfe, Armas, or Pause. How will they generate offense?

I think it points out the need for an affordable health care system in this country, and an international policy that makes sense. It is our arrogance, the arrogance of MLS, that says that we play matches during CONCACAF's championship competition. This foreign policy is a disaster. The brace men and women of MLS deserve better, and I hope to provide it.

Oh sure, that's what I would expect you to say, Mr. Holier-Than-Thou. Talking about healthcare, are you still smoking? Do you know how many forest fires are caused by people carelessly tossing cigarettes away? I oughta punch you in the face.

FIRE BAD!!!

Well, that's certainly a wide spectrum of opinion there. Now, coach Dave Sarachan has angered many of the Fire's fans with his decisions, and many want him canned. Is Dave in the hot seat would you say?

You know what the hot seat it? It's when jerks like you think it's okay to have a campfire, maybe roast a few marshmallows, and then walk away leaving it to burn out of control. It makes me sick. I mean, really, physically sick. And yeah, Dave's kind of like that. Makes me vomit when I see some of the lineups he puts out there. Caleb Carr runs around all over the field, but does he do anything? No. Grab a bucket of water, you moron, and do something!

It's a failure of leadership at the highest level. Chicago has talent. We have a lot of talent, but if you can't trust your commander - in - chief, then it doesn't matter. The brave players of the Fire, and they deserve our thanks, have been misled and betrayed by this coach. I've been on record as opposing this coach for the longest time, and perhaps some of the other candidates would like to explain where they were last year? It was just as obvious then as it is now.

FIRE BAD!!!

Okay, let's turn to DC United for a moment. They're looking much better now, do you think their run of form can continue?

I think recently things have changed in Washington. I haven't been in Washington long, but I knew it had to change. You have to find a way to bring hope to the people, to unite the left and right flanks. That's something I think they're doing. Someday, I look forward to telling my daughters, the youngest one probably, about that banner with John Harkes and Marco Etcheverry, and telling her why that monument to them exists. It exists as a statement of a proud past, but also of a hopeful future where the midfield, defense, and attack can all come together, and we can truly bring this great team together.

Sure, I like DC. They play with smoke bombs, but not fire. If they toss it onto the grass which could ignite, then it would be No - More - Mister - Nice - Bear, capish? But keep it in the stands, and keep plenty of beer around to toss on things if they get hot. That's responsible. That's something kids should learn from.

FIRE BAD!!!

Good. Well, my thanks to all of you. Any final words?

Only U-nited can prevent the Chicago Fire. So get off your asses and do it.

FIRE BAD!!!

My thanks to all of you.