25 May 2007

An Expert View on the Houston Dynamo

Thanks to our partnership with the RAND Corporation's Temporal Mechanics and Necromancy Division, we are bringing a series of expert opinions to help educate you on teams other than D.C. United when we first face them this season. Today, with Houston in town, we thought we'd go directly to the source. The ultimate source on Houston, namely former senator, general, and governor of the Republic and State of Texas, Mr. Sam Houston. General Houston, welcome to the DCenters.

A-ha! Damn straight. Full of vim and vigor, I am, yessir indeed. You got a glass of something? I could use a drink. Several drinks. Just leave the bottle, that's a good kid. Now, let's get down the business...

I thought you gave up drinking.

That's the version of me in 1840 after I remarried. This is the big one you got, the original, the showstoppa, the Sam Houston of 1836 Of course, everyone seems keen on forgetting 1836, but that's what you got. Large and in charge Sam. Hell, I've been shot more times than 50 cent -- several times in the war of 1812 and once a congressman tried to ice me. But you can't kill me, I'm too intense to die. I'm notorious.

I see. Well, what do you think of the Houston Dynamo, the soccer team that now plays in the city named for you?

Pah! Not a spot of spit and vinegar in any one of them. That Canadian, the one that does that silly Pinnochio dance after each goal? Pathetic. Heck, I made my name by clipping the strings of Canadians like that. Brian Ching? He's the reason I opposed the westward expansion of the Texas Republic - I didn't want Hawaiians messing around with our great state. Bryan Mullan is really the only one of them that shows me any heart. Paul Dagleish? Please, his favorite movie is "Goal - The Dream Begins!" Quoth this Raven to these infants: "Nevermore!" I'm not paying to see the sequels to that piece of crap.

You're certainly quite... opinionated. Isn't there anything about Texas soccer you like?

Damn straight there is. You know at the Convention of 1833, I was representin' Nacadoches? Must have done some good, 'cuz that's where my homeboy Deuce is from. Deuce, get your skinny ass in here.

'Wassup, all. Comin' to y'all direct from the Cottage. Premier style, homes. We gonna kick dis Sam?

We need someone to lay down some phat beats first!

I gots y'all covered. G-Dub in the Hizzy, spinnin' the trax!

All right, now check this!
All you fake Houstoners who rhyme atrocious,
listen to master, straight outta Nacadoches.
You know its illy the way I flow this
beat that I know you'll want to poach this
flow but you can't, so you and try and dis'
all form a team name that's communist
you try to hit the mark but I know you'll miss
'cause I made the map recognize Texas.

Take it Deuce.

My story is large, my rhymes iz ample
I have talent Mulrooney wishes he could sample
When I'm fly on the wing your backs I'll trample
How do I do it? Here's an example:
In the UK they know I'm fly--
I put Liverpool down kept Fulham high
And you know DeRo wishes he could try
to do what I do, and that ain't a lie.
The orange is from Texas, that's what they say
But I think they're still stuck in San Jose
and they won't break out at RFK
they put tears of the face of Dommie K.
Break it down G-Dub!

It's the Amen Break y'all, so gimme an Amen!

Amen Brother!

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At 25 May, 2007 15:44, Blogger Kinney said...

Absolutely ridiculous in the best way possible.

At 25 May, 2007 16:28, Blogger Longshoe said...

I did not know G-Dub had such skillz...

At 25 May, 2007 17:42, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The is the whitest version of slang and jive I've ever read.

At 25 May, 2007 17:47, Blogger D said...

Anon: Have you seen the Don't Tread video?

At 25 May, 2007 18:49, Blogger Blue Blooded Journo said...

That Duece was an imposter. He conjugated way too well.

At 25 May, 2007 21:10, Blogger Fullback said...

Kudos sir. Well played!

At 26 May, 2007 15:02, Blogger Miguel Barros said...

Congratulations for the blog. I,m a big fan of US soccer, and in especial of DC United. I,m writting from Portugal, from de city of Ermesinde. I hope DC United win the MLS Cup this season, because they are the best team.


At 26 May, 2007 16:36, Anonymous Anonymous said...



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