Pick an MLS Team for Bill Simmons

Long time readers of this blog, and people whom I've managed to bore in person, know that I am a Spurs supporter. So I was pleasantly surprised to see that "Sports Guy" Bill Simmons has selected Tottenham as his EPL team of choice, and for reasons uncomfortably similar to many of my own. This, of course, means that it is more difficult for people to come over in the future, but hey, I'll take it.

The problem is that Bill doesn't seem to have an MLS team. And there's a word for Americans who support an EPL side without enjoying the domestic product. So I say to all of us, let us select an MLS side for Mr. Simmons. After all, it's coming from one of his Spurs-supporting American brethren, how can he refuse?

Okay, so let's knock out a few teams for Mr. Simmons. He can't support DC United, because we are the ultimate bandwagon team right now. New York is gone because, well, they're New York, and we have all heard (many, many times) that Mr. Simmons roots for the Sox. A few other teams we can dismiss since they're simply not good enough: Real Salt Lake, Columbus, and Kansas City I don't think that the panache or the desired geographic cache for our globe-trotting Bill.

That leaves us with a manageable list. In the spirit of Mr. Simmons' article on the matter, here's how they finish:

7) Colorado Rapids: A better team than I expected this year, without a lot of fanfare, so that's going well for them. Still, the name "Rapids" would just invite way too many incontinence jokes for Bill's cadre of first name friends, so that, combined with the disturbing looking mascot, rules them out.

6) LA Galaxy: Despite current events, this team is also too much of a bandwagon team given their past success. Plus they have Landon Donovan, who as we know is personally in a feud with ESPN. It would be like Shane McMahon rooting for The Rock...

5) FC Dallas: On the plus side, they play interesting soccer, have somewhat classy kits, and the name "Pizza Hut Park" appeals to pretty much every sports-writer I know. On the other hand, you got to have confidence in yourself, and a team that went from "Burn" to "FC" ain't going to win many cred points among the street-savvy crew.

4) Chicago Fire: Since the word "Fire" shows up in 30% of all pop-music, and 60% of REM songs, the culture references are a big plus. Great tradition, original name, ethnic ties to their city, classy kit, this could be a great choice for Bill. Yet we feel that this team has to be a coastal one. Not that Bill must root for a coastal team, but it seems in-line with a man who can root for the Clippers and the Celtics.

3) Houston Dynamo: See above, and add the carpetbagger label, they're done.

2) New England Revolution: Really, the joy of making minutemen references while discussing porn actresses falls apart with the realization that this is the team that will emulate his Red Sox, only without the actually breaking through thing. Bill's karma in getting teams to break-though has to be focused on Spurs right now, I don't want him devoting any of it to the Revs.

1) CD Chivas USA: Okay, this has to be the choice. Crazy fans. Great atmosphere. Good stadium to catch a game, and we know he's out there anyway. Add in the incongruity of one of the whitest people in print rooting for a supposedly "ethnic" team, and that can't be beat. The kits are a bit of a problem, but this is a guy who rooted for the Patriots in the 80s, so that can be overcome. Team is looking good, but everyone else hates them. Great rivalry with the Galaxy, and Chivas will still be considered the newcomer for a few years. Bill Simmons, time for you to join Legion 1908. This will provide you a source of material for columns into the next century, and allow you never to be called a Europoseur.

Now, all I have to do is get him to read this, and then agree with me.