02 November 2006

An Expert View on The Revolution

In order to prepare us for the upcoming match with the New England Revolution, The DCenters thought that we should find someone who can explain the Revolution to us. Thanks to a grant from the RAND Coorporation's Temporal Mechanics and Necromancy division, we are able to welcome to the DCenters a man who knows more about the subject than possibly anyone else. Please welcome philosopher, historian, economist, social theorist, and revolutionary par excellence, Dr. Karl Marx. Dr. Marx, welcome to The DCenters

Karl MarxIt is a pleasure to be here with so many citizens of world. Jenny, Friedrich and I were discussing MLS the other day, pleased that so many of your teams have red colored kits. Truly, you are with the people's struggles.

Well, it's good to have an expert on the Revolution with us. After all, you're at least somewhat responsible for the great October Revolution, the German, Hungarian, and Cuban Revolutions, the 1970 Chilean Popular Unity election, and their subsequent counter-revolutions, coups, or associated juntas.

Karl MarxThat is all true. Alexi Lalas wishes he had such influence. Perhaps if he paid attention, he would not let that arch-capitalist Bradley fleece him in the 2005 SuperDraft.

Well then, perhaps you can give us an overview of where the playoffs stand now?

Karl MarxA spectre is haunting MLS -- the spectre of Twellmanism. All the powers of Don Garber have entered into a holy alliance to exorcise this spectre: Eddie Pope and Calen Carr, Mastroeni and Guzan, French Internationals and German rejects.

That's heavy dude... But you still think the revolution will succeed against all of that?

Karl MarxThe Revolution is historically inevitable. Led by men of the people, like Joey Franchino, they shall throw off their chains. Do they not see the signs saying "Free Shalrie?" Do they not know the passion that burns in the imprisoned heart of Clint Dempsey? And this revolution is well led, by a former Red, a man of steel, or at least, a man of Nicol. Yes, it may be bloody at first, thus the disputes and fights we have had. But soon, a worker's paradise will be established.

And yet if it is historically inevitable, how do you explain the failure of the 2005 Revolution?

Karl MarxCounter-revolutionary spies infiltrated at all times. The Superstitous looked to a savior in Landon Donovan, but now we now the full illusion of the Donovan cultists. The Revolution must be successful. In the past, Taylor Twellman did not produce goals, and not for nothing is it said by wise men "from each according to his abilities, to each according to their needs." Twellman must produce, but he also needs good service from Dempsey. Jay Heaps and Parkhurst must mark well, but also be protected by Joey Franchino. It is a sound philosophy and coaching strategy.

Well, that's very good, but don't you think--

What the hell is this!?

My goodness, it's George Washington. Mr. President, welcome to the DCenters.

I heard that there was someone calling himself a more successful revolutionary than me around here. I wanted to see that punk with my own eyes. Then I'm going to beat him like Shalrie Joseph at a nightclub.

Karl MarxWhat? This is juvenile. We don't need this puerile insults. Anyways, the Revolution will succeed. Your capitalists brewers and printers have created Taxachussetts.

That's true. But I live in Virginia, built a Consitiution in Philadelphia and got a city named after me here you little pissant. So don't go trying to pretend you'all that, because you ain't seen jack. DC is for real, yo. And Gomez is my personal M to the V to the P, and that's Mount Vernon Playa! I am here as the Mid-Atlantic Reporter of Pain.

Karl MarxThis is ridiculous. I do not have to put up with such insults-- hey, let go of my beard!

I can not tell a lie: Matt Reis is a twat. Welcome to your own personal Yorktown, bitch. Time for a Size 13 boot up your hemmeroidal ass. And Howe!

Well, things seem to have gotten a bit out of hand. I'll um... ooh, that looked nasty, anyways, we'll see if we can find any more expert opinions before Sunday... Perferably less painful ones.

Ohhhhh... my proletariat is broken... images of past Eastern Conference finals passing across my eyes...

Don't fuck with DC, playahatas! This is my town! Vamos United, and G-Dub out!

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At 01 November, 2006 21:33, Anonymous Anonymous said...

D, please hand over what you're smoking... the rest of us would like some.

At 01 November, 2006 21:50, Anonymous Nick said...

Karl Marx...I love this fucking blog...maybe I shouldn't wear my che guevara shirt to the game on sunday then...

At 01 November, 2006 22:10, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Best. Post. Ever.
(well not really, but damn funny)

At 01 November, 2006 22:14, Anonymous john said...

"And Howe!"

You're such a weirdo, and I mean that in a good way.

At 01 November, 2006 22:30, Anonymous Anonymous said...

For your next entry you should get Josef Stalin to explain to us the mind of Pitor Nowak. Why Stalin? Because, according to Mike Wise, Nowak is inflexible and holding back progress, and according to D (blog entry "act locally, think globally") Nowak is a paranoid schemer. Sounds like Stalin to me. (Lucio Filomeno as Trotsky, anyone?)

At 01 November, 2006 22:40, Anonymous se podcast said...


You've been listening to that Monty Python sketch again, haven't you?

At 02 November, 2006 02:43, Anonymous Paul said...


At 02 November, 2006 07:42, Blogger DCNats said...

there is no way acid wasn't involved in the planning of that blog post.

At 02 November, 2006 08:56, Anonymous Joanna said...

Hahahaha. D, you are a true dork. Awesome!

At 02 November, 2006 09:05, Blogger Brian said...

I bow down before superior writing!

Great stuff!

At 02 November, 2006 09:06, Blogger Brian said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 02 November, 2006 09:32, Blogger D said...

Anon1: High on life baby. And permanent markers... Mmmm...

Nick: The Che shirt is always welcome.

Anon2: Thanks, but really, the credit goes to Karl. He says he's much better today, but not sure if he'll come on the blog again.

John: Sadly, of course, General Clinton had taken over from Howe at the time of Yorktown.

Anon3: You think someone is going to ice-pick Filomeno? Poor guy.

SEPod: Not sure which one you're thinking of. The only one that matches in my mind is the one with Mrs. Paternoster and her friend visiting Jean Paul Satre. Although, to be honest, I think more was lifted from Bob and David than anyone else.

Paul: Thanks :)

DCNats: Actually, my original plan was to interview Dr. Frankenstein's Monster if Chicago had advanced. Sadly, all he would tell me after the semifinal was "FIRE BAD!!!!"

Joanna/Brian: Hee. Yes, I'm a dork. But be careful what you say. George Wash...er... G-Dub as he prefers, well, he may still be around these parts, and he don't take kinds to suckas and fools.

At 02 November, 2006 15:10, Blogger Doug said...

I imagine SEPod was referring to the World Forum sketch.

At 02 November, 2006 23:11, Blogger David said...

wh-what? that's george washington's music!

At 03 November, 2006 08:59, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great piece.
Good luck to the Screaming Eagles in the upcomming match against the Revs. We(Fire) had the table set, and blew it.
Please...if the Houston U-Hauls make it (Rented pitch, rented team, rented fans), DESTROY THEM!!

FAO Joanna...can I still bite you??

At 03 November, 2006 21:01, Anonymous se podcast said...

Doug is correct.


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