An Expert View on the Columbus Crew

This year, the first time D.C. United plays a team, we're trying to arrange interviews with experts on the local scene to help us understand the sports scene better. With Columbus, we weren't sure who we should ask for, so we just wrote the Ohio Division of Travel and Tourism to supply us with an expert or two. There seemed to be some miscommunication between us, but after the civil servants were directed to the Columbus Crew "One Nation, Sod 'em all" website, they promised to send two people right over. Ah, here comes someone now!



What's happening?






Um… well, this is a surprise. Greg Oden, Ohio State star, future top draft pick, it's a pleasure to welcome you to the DCenters. I had no idea you were a fan of the Columbus Crew.




The what now?





The Columbus Crew… the soccer team?




They said you wanted an expert on Columbus sports. And I'm it baby. All Columbus cares about is me and Tressel.





But you're not even going to be in Columbus next year. You've declared for the draft.


But people will remember me from Ohio State. I was unforgettable. People know my name. Names are important. Especially four letter names. That's why Pele was so good. Four letters. The british soccer player who was the original drummer for the Beatles? Four letters. And the Columbus coach… Sigi? Four letters. Names matter. Anyone on DC have a four letter name?



Well, Fred, of couse. And if names are so important, then why does your USA Basketball profile identify you in the title bar as Kobe Bryant?


That's just because I'm training to be the next Kobe. Four letters. You can tell a lot about how teams will do from their training. In fact, I bet you I can determine who will win this soccer game just from training. Where did Columbus train this off-season.




California and North Carolina I think.




There's a lot of winning done in those states. Now how about the team you like, what are they called, the DC United?






Yes, well, DC United trained in Florida for most of the preseason –




(gulp)






Sorry?






Go on… you were saying…




Yes, DC trained in Florida --



-- Let's not talk about Florida. Okay. Maybe you should talk to the other guy they sent over.




Other guy?



Me.





Oh dear…


That's right, David Hodo, the Construction Worker for the greatest band of all time. Four letters in "Oden," four letters in "Hodo," and four letters in Y-M-C-A! When talking about Columbus, you have to use four letter words!



I think we've learned about as much as we're going to learn here. Thanks to both of you for coming by --




In the Navy…





Yes, you can sail the seven seas!







In the Navy…




Yes, you can live a life of ease!







WE WANT YOU. WE WANT YOU. WE WANT YOU AS A NEW RECRUIT... AND BRING A PIZZA. TWO ACTUALLY. AND MAYBE ONE FOR YOURSELF.




Oh, for fuck's sake, who let Sigi in? And you're a landlocked state... and where'd Greg get that hat? Whatever... we'll have the Match Briefing up in the next day or so. My thanks to Greg, David, and to the Indian Chief and the Sailor, wherever they are.