The Experts' Opinion on Real Salt Lake

This season The DCenters are providing a series of Expert Opinions each occasion DC United faces a team for the first time. Last Year, there was considerable kerfluffle between DC and Real Salt Lake when Piotr Nowak yelled at Atiba Harris "Send him to hospital!" No one was quite sure what he meant, but thanks to a tape recently handed to us by WTTG-FOX 5 in DC, we now know exactly what Piotr was doing. Let's roll the tape...



Okay people, patient is a 3 year old professional soccer team, admitted by a strange polish man. Symptoms include zero win count, a -9 goal differential through 11 games, and an outrageous number of fines by the league. Differential diagnosis... wait, didn't all of you quit or get fired?





Nah, there's some contrived reason we're all back together again. Cuddy explains it in the season premier.







Well, while we're waiting for that retcon to come through, do you want to offer an opinion or do want to continue writing Firefly slash fiction? This team is in bad shape. I mean, if it were up to me, I'd just let them die, but apparently some people have a notion that you come to the hospital to get better.





Why are you so mean to this team? I admire them and their fans for perservering despite the pain. Why can't you understand that?







You just like them because they're hopeless. I suppose that's why you're wearing that ridiculously impractical outfit. Now, does anyone actually want to try, I dunno, here's a crazy thought, coming up with a diagnosis?






It could be cancer. No team should be underperforming like that unless their system has been compromised. Those Freddy Adu quotes could be strongly indicative of a locker room cancer. Explains the on-field communication issues as well.





Sure, it could be cancer, if this team hadn't blazed a new path on Trail of Suck for the last three years. Symptoms predate the exposure to Adu. It's not cancer.






We should do a full cardio workup. Perhaps this teams lacks heart. Explains the communication, explains the lack of goal scoring, and the inability to close games out.






Team just got a fresh infusion of heart from Eskandarian and Kreis, and I don't see evidence of full rejection. A heart problem doesn't explain the lack of composure. It's not cardio.







What about Lupus?








It's NOT Lupus. It's never Lupus. When will you get tired of that running joke? What do we know about the environment?







Foreman and I broke into the Rice-Eccles stadium. The surface is disgusting, but the support system is there and the atmosphere is still tolerable, although with all these problems the fans may turn on them.





So it's not environmental, not cardio, not cancer, not Lupus. Anyone want to guess something it might be?







Maybe it's neurological. It would explain all of the symptoms, the entire team is getting faulty instruction from the front office and the ownership. Add to that the crossed signals, high tension from the stadium situation, and the long period of illness in the patient history. It's all there.




Oooohhhh, a brain disorder. Sexy. Not as sexy as what Cameron's trying to be, but still sexy. But we can't just remove the brain.







Anyways, they've already done a coach transplant, which prompted many of the salary dumps we're seeing and the excessive fines.







New systems take time to implement. The team is still flushing the detritus of Ellinger's Disease out of its system.







Sounds good. Stop all treatment, give them time to get it through their system, and see if it turns around.







But if we do that, they may not have a chance this weekend.








No, you may not have a chance with them this weekend is what you're saying. Let 'em get worse, then they'll get better. Once we see improvement, we can start treatment with several cc's of additional salary or a designated player. Or they'll die, and we can autopsy the team and figure out which of you screwed up. It's a win-win.