20 December 2007

An Expert Opinion on The Holidays

Hey everyone, Ben Olsen here. I know everyone's busy with the Holidays, and that some people are upset about a War on Christmas. Well, me too. This is a time when we should all be celebrating be a part of this crazy thing called life, and being part of that extended dysfunctional family called humanity. We may not see eye-to-eye at times, but we're alike in many more ways than we differ.

As a leader, it's my job sometimes to put myself in the spotlight in difficult situation. Believe me, after you've had to talk to Brian Hall after one of his phantom foul calls, getting between Chris Hitchens and the Catholic League is easy in comparison. So if we all are going to get upset about what terminology to use this time of year, then maybe we should just agree that no matter what, we all need a little Ben Olsen in our lives. I may not have the standing of the great religious leaders or scientists in life, but that's probably a good thing. We need to calm down a bit. I'm not saying to live without passion, but you need to maintain the right amount of intensity in your life, sticking for what you believe in without going over the line of being a jerk. I know exactly where that line is, and every time I stop Alex Prus for a chat, I go right up to that line, but not over it.

I know we all want to celebrate the miracle of the season, but our traditions divide us on which miracles to choose, and perhaps divide us on saying which ones actually happened. Look, all I know is that third goal I put in against New York is on videotape, you all saw it on YouTube, so I think we can agree it happened. And this time of year is a time for humility, so I want you to remember that even after that amazing hat trick, I still compared myself to a dog's ass in the post-game interviews. That's the holiday spirit.

Some of you may be worried that we're losing the mysticism of the season, but then again I can offer myself as a solution. Science can explain many things, but the growth rate of my facial hair is a known contradiction to the second law of thermodynamics. So there's still room for the unexplained, for the miraculous, even in our technologically crazy world.

So look, I know we all want to claim ownership of this time of year for our own causes, but you have to know how to share the ball sometimes. There's no reason to get annoyed on how people wish you the best for the year, just remember that they're wishing you the best. That's the spirit of the season -- the Ben Olsen spirit. Let's all try to keep together this holiday season, and appreciate our fellows who are just trying to get by on this spinning globe. Happy Ben days, and a Merry Olsen to all. I think we can all agree on that.



At 20 December, 2007 18:42, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sing along, you all know the words!

"Through the Beard we all will be together / if the refs allow /
Hang an MLS Cup upon the highest bough / and have yourself a merry little Olsen, now...."

At 20 December, 2007 21:46, Blogger Brian said...

If Ben Olsen handed me a cup of Kool Aid and told me to drink, I'd chug it down. And with no hesitation whatsoever, I'd ask for more.

At 21 December, 2007 08:45, Anonymous Jeremy said...

Hey stop Bogarting the Kool Aid!!

At 21 December, 2007 09:25, Anonymous Goose said...

I could really go for a "How Ben Olsen Saved Christmas" holiday special on the teevee.


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