31 January 2006

The Partisan Guide to MLS

DC, or so the conventional wisdom goes, is a town of transients. Congressional staffers, legislative aides, lobbyists, etc... Many of them are in DC for only a few years. While here, they may as well support DC United, considering that their home state may not have an MLS team. In order to help make this transition easier for them, the DCenters has assembled this easy to use guide on why other MLS teams should not be adopted by our party staffers, conveniently packaged to support their partisan leanings and demonstrating how the team is inappropriate and unworthy of their partisan support...

Columbus Crew

Republicans: Crew logo borrows heavily from Soviet-era "heroic realism." Way too communist looking.
Democrats: "America's Hardest Working Team" finished out of the playoffs, thus reinforcing the idea that blue-collar labor is not rewarded in America. Barbara Ehrlich would no doubt denounce this message in her forthcoming book "Hard Tackle: How America's Middle Class Team is Marginalized by Superior Talent"

Chicago Fire

Republicans: Remember, Chicago is why Nixon lost to Kennedy. Never forget, never forgive.
Democrats: Team name celebrates example of poor urban planning.

Kansas City Wizards

Republicans: Rainbow ball image disconcerting to religous conservative base.
Democrats: Wizards no doubt use "magical thinking" to justify economic policies, exactly the sort of thing we loyal Dems should be fighting against.


Republicans: Name implies that living in a metropolitan area makes you a star. However, we red-staters like clearing brush on our farm, so clearly this team isn't for us. And wasn't Alexi Lalas that hippie looking dude? Team playoff record shows overuse of hemp products.
Democrats: Team fled to New Jersey, thus increasing urban sprawl and ecologically destructive practices. Image of Tony Meola in goal glorifies poor nutritional habits promoted by large fast-food companies.

The New England Revolution

Republicans: This the the team of the Kennedys and Kerrys. No GOP staffer would ever support such a team.
Democrats: Prominent images of musket wielding supporters indicated insufficient grasp of the need for strong gun control.

Colorado Rapids

Republicans: Once had a coach nicknamed "Mooch", who probably earned his nickname by mooching off the state for welfare he didn't deserve.
Democrats: Pete Coors is from Colorado, so team name Rapids probably indicates the GOP's desired speed for overturning Roe v. Wade.

Chivas USA

Republicans: Sure the colors are red white and blue, and since W speaks Spanish, they should be okay, but image of fighting goat suggests... SATAN!
Democrats: Chiva Girls do not present strong role models for young women. Teams consistently beating the crap out of Chivas does not present good image of kindness to goats and other animals.

FC Dallas

Republicans: Inside sources suggest "FC" actually stands for "Favorites of Clinton". I saw this on LewRockwell.com, it must be true.
Democrats: Inside sources suggest "FC" actually stands for "Funded by Cheney". I saw this on DemocraticUnderground.com, it must be true.

Houston 1836

Republicans: They're carpetbaggers, and if there's one thing the GOP can't stand, it is a carpetbagger.
Democrats: Team left beautiful San Jose to move to the City of Enron and George Bush #1's tax-dodge address.

LA Galaxy

Republicans: Can't forgive Steve Sampson for embarassing US in front of the French, who we hoped to humiliate in 1998.
Democrats: Can't forgive Steve Sampson for embarassing US in front of the French, who we hoped to impress in 1998.

Real Salt Lake

Republicans: Mispronunciation of "Real" damaging to English only education efforts.
Democrats: Utah not exactly known for its tolerance of different people, let alone R-Rated movies. Salt Lake known to be product of irresponsible environmental policies of Bush White House.

DC United

So there you have it. But I suppose you'd like some positive reasons for supporting DC United, eh? Well, here you go:
Republicans: Like the GOP, DC United knows how to win when it counts.
Democrats: Like the Democrats, DC United presents a positive view of diversity, both on the pitch and in the stands.


At 31 January, 2006 12:55, Anonymous The Belly said...

I feel left out because I'm registered independent.

At 31 January, 2006 12:59, Blogger D said...

I was registered with a 3rd party for a while... now I'm utterly ambiguous. It's tough to tell independents why to dislike anything though.

At 01 February, 2006 06:43, Blogger scaryice said...

It's not tough at all. Politics is the most important thing in the world. If you don't feel strongly about it, then you're not paying close enough attention.

At 01 February, 2006 08:50, Blogger D said...

Scary, when I was much younger (two years ago), I felt as you did. Now... not so much. There are things that infuriate me, but the problem is that it isn't one side that is suggesting things I like, or another side suggesting all the things I hate. Kind of annoying.

At 01 February, 2006 18:16, Anonymous J. Michael said...

Clever and good for a chuckle. Re: the Crew, Sigi has hopefully brought us back from the margin with a thorough overhaul. We'll see.

At 02 February, 2006 13:08, Blogger Matt W said...

This is good. You can do better on the DC United stuff though. Republicans - Ten years ago, the eagle on the DCU badge looked to its center-left. Today, thanks to a shift in this great country's political winds, it's looking to its right. Its far right.
Democrats - Black-and-red colors, the team name of "United" vaguely suggest cryptic link to anarcho-syndicalism, much like '84 Democratic platform. Plus they play in the last public building in DC named after a Democrat.

At 03 February, 2006 09:41, Blogger Crew Fan said...

Nice; I needed a little laugh. Like J Michael said, here's to hoping the Crew do much better this year (not that it is possible for them to do much worse).

At 03 February, 2006 10:26, Blogger D said...

J Michael and Crew Fan: I am more than willing to concede that Sigi is a huge improvement on the sideline. I'm still not sure how his talent will play out, but playoff should definately be in the cards. The East is very, very scary this year.


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