ESPN Pregame Soundcheck

"Test... test... is this on? Sideline soundcheck... 1-2...1-2... Everything good in the booth? Okay, I'll check on it, but I've got to get right back here and adjust the parabolas to point at the field."

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"...what...you...do?"

"Well, I need to see some final things tonight. And you're going to get a chance to start."

"Look, I'll do anything to play in Germany for you."

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"Anything?"

"Yeah, anything. I'll play on the back line, defensive midfield, sit on the bench, whatever. You know I'm good for it."

"Well, I admit. You're a good presence for leadership. You're versatile. You stick up for your teammates. You are vocal in the locker room. You take coaching well... But I need to see just a bit more."

"What? Tell me, I'll do it!"

"I need you to shave. You've taken that minister's license a bit too seriously. It's gone from Captain Caveman to Amish Minister and Furniture Craftsman."

"Shave? But what about my street cred in DC? I go to clubs, they'll think I'm totally a Blink-182 fan or something."

"Ridiculous. Look at the members of Radio 4. They could be accountants, but they still produce a seamless blend of new-wave and punk that is the envy of the free world."

"Okay, I'll shave. I'll even do it before the game. Anything else?"

"Well, you could score a goal tonight. That would help."

"...okay...I'll...restar...foot."

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"Cripes, did we leave these things on? Let's get battery readings so we can make sure we get interesting comments when the game starts. Wouldn't want out viewers to miss any interesting comments from the assistant head coach at half-time."