An Absurdly Unofficial Preview: The All-Star Game

Match #: 87% on eHarmony.com

Opponent: Chelski

Records:
Chelsea: haven't won a match this season
MLS All-Stars: undefeated against foreigners

TV: ESPN - 6:30PM

Previous Meeting: Chelsea 2: 1 DC United

Suggested Pregame Music: C.R.E.A.M. by Wu-Tang Clan

The Stakes: With one game MLS could show the world that it isn't to be taken lightly. The United States could take its place among the true soccer powers of the world. Because if you think about it, Chelsea has almost half of the stars from World Cup, so we could beat them and it would be like the we actually won the World Cup. It's a lot better than tying for the trophy due to our draw with Italy in the group stage.

If an MLS all-star team could beat Chelsea thousands of eurosnobs in America will flock to Major League Soccer. Actually, I think the All-Stars don't even have to win, just playing well be a victory in and of itself against such a team. A 1-0 loss would be acceptable, but I think it would be good if we scored, so a 2-1 score line would be best.

If this were to happen we would no longer hear about how MLS just can't compete, that our teams only win in friendlies, or in other team's pre-season. I know some of you pessimists out there are thinking, but David, MLS teams have always played international teams and have never gotten recognition. That's because they have never played Chelsea before, well at least not this Chelsea. I mean Ballack and Shevchenko are superstars, Shevchenko is even on ESPN commercials. The only way an MLS player would get on one of those is if he was dressed up as Cozmo. Which is why this All-Star game is completely different from all of the other international friendlies that MLS teams have played in the past.

It is so important that I don't know why Garber hasn't canceled the New England v. Chivas match to give us the best chance of winning the match that we can get. Dempsey is the savior of American soccer. I mean really, hundreds of people on BigSoccer can't be wrong about that. So why isn't he allowed to play? And while were on gaining advantages, why are we not playing it at Crew Stadium where there would be less Chelsea fans? Personally, I think somebody in MLS is taking Russian mafia money to throw the game.

Things I'd like to see: Rest for Moreno, perhaps another 45 minute outing for Christian Gomez. They've earned a breather. A good outing from the DC United youngsters and for MLS in general. NO INJURIES. A Bozilla Goal. Sasquatch.

Previews from the DCUniverse: DCSunDevil

Expected Yield: 5.2 megatons.

Kinney's Location: Undisclosed.

Last Words: Jose Mourinho's a wanker.