04 May 2007

An Expert View on CD Chivas USA

As part of our continuing effort to provide a unique insight drawn from expert opinion on other teams, we now turn our attention to CD Chivas USA. But before that, I've noticed a worrying trend of other individuals popping into these interviews and disrupting them. I will not allow this interview to rely on cheap, ethnic-based humor in questionable taste. Okay? With that in mind, Marco Antonio Regil, host of ¿Qué Dice La Gente?

We asked 100 people to name someone or something that is very old. Number One Answer was Preki!

Not now Marco. Zombie Eddie Guerrero?

I will cheat to win, ese! Chris Benoit is a coward, he fears to face me even in death!

We miss you Eddie, but you'd be a distraction to a serious interview. Taco Bell Dog?

Please direct me to the Chalupas!

All of you. Out. Now. We will not have this sort of stereotype-based, racially tinged humor here.

¡Filho da pu--

-- That's enough out of you, Taco Bell Dog! That kind of language isn't very clever. So all of you, leave, now!


Okay, moving onward now. Given that CD Chivas USA was an interesting attempt to appeal to the Latino population of Los Angeles, we wanted someone who really connected to that crowd on this blog. Please welcome to the blog... Is this right?
Really? Huh... Well, please welcome former lead singer of The Smiths, Morrissey.

I would say I am happy to be here, but there's a twinge of melancholy that suffuses this afternoon... *Sniff*

Well, let's see if we can move beyond that for the time. How on earth is someone from Manchester, England an expert on the support of CD Chivas USA?

Providence and intervention, divine or satanic. There's even a movie that was made about my latino fans in Los Angeles. I am grateful for them, otherwise I would have lost myself in an abyss of tepid solo albums and long winded soliloquies about foreigners. Irish blood, english heart, but salsa rhythms before the sadness overwhelms and drowns me 'til human voices wake us. *sniff*

Well, I had no idea. So, tell me what you find appealing about Sunday's matchup between DC United and Chivas?

Both clubs have an appealing sadness to them. The kind of sadness that forces one to cry in only the fluffiest, downiest pillow one can find. If one had a lover, or if one wasn't celibate, you might find solace there, but you do not, so instead you play Winning Eleven and try not loose too badly. DC United is so sad, with the tears of frustration. Amado Geuvara is so sad because... because... I'm not sure why he's so sad but it must be a powerful sadness for him to act as he does. No matter who wins, you must ask what difference does it make? *sniff*

No difference? I think this is an interesting match-up. I mean, what should DC United be aware of? I mean, Ante Razov, he's good. Will he catch Jamie Moreno in the all-time goal scoring race?

The more you ignore him, the closer he gets... *sniff*

...Okay, that's good. And should DC be worried about anything, perhaps Ben Olsen talking himself into a caution? And the fact that we haven't scored in the run of play for two straight games?

Ah, Bigmouth strikes again, and goal scorers in a coma, I know, I know, it's serious. *sniff*

C'mon, you must have some insight on how to barbeque the goats!

Meat is murder.

Um... do you have any advice that doesn't relate to songs you've written?

No, all the advice is based on the torment of my lonely soul, writ down then sung so that others may know. And I suppose that joke isn't funny anymore. *sniff* *cry* *whimper*

Yeah, I think you're right. Thank you, Morrissey.

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At 04 May, 2007 14:13, Anonymous bdr said...

Now I know how Joan of Arc felt as the flames rose to her Roman nose and her walkman started to melt.

At 04 May, 2007 16:06, Blogger Ben Olsen's Beard said...

I once had a run-in with Chris Benoit at a screening of "The Scorpion King" in Cincinnati. At the end of the movie I said something he didn't like and he looked at me like he was about to give me the Crippler Crossface.

At 04 May, 2007 16:24, Blogger Blue Blooded Journo said...

The latino fascination with Morrissey is crap. Here's proof:

The day my aircraft carrier pulled into Crete, we couldn't leave the pier because of a protest in town (right before Iraq War), so they let us buy cases of beer and we had a party right next to the ship. When they carried me onboard later that night, I did what I usually did while drunk onboard: try and piss people off. So, I connected my cd player (pre-ipod days) to the tv in the lounge and blasted "How Soon Is Now" over and over while I sang along (it was 2:00 am). Then, one of my "buddies" took the cd and broke it with a hammer. That guy was from LA and had Mexican heritage.

I wonder what other crackpot theories those filmmakers will tackle next? The fine tradition of Eskimos in the NBA?

At 04 May, 2007 16:39, Blogger tucksider said...


"Given that CD Chivas USA was an interesting attempt to appeal to the Latino population of Los Angeles..."

i really expected to read:

"and given that titling an album Oye Esteban! was a blatant attempt to appeal to the Latino population of Los Angeles..."

At 04 May, 2007 19:31, Anonymous David said...

"Both clubs have an appealing sadness to them. The kind of sadness that forces one to cry in only the fluffiest, downiest pillow one can find. "

Gold, could not have said it better myself.

At 04 May, 2007 20:26, Anonymous DCUinCT said...

As a closet Morrisey fan this stikes too close to home and too near the bone. I suppose I have no right to take my place in the human race, but if I did I'd have say that that was brilliantly funny and totally unexpected. Thanks!

At 07 May, 2007 11:17, Anonymous haveyouseenlucky said...

Morrissey and Eddie. Wow.
It would be an understatement to say that I enjoyed this post.

More of this please.

Did you see Raw a couple weeks when they were in London? Shane comes out to try to get some cheap heat by picking on Chelsea, not realizing that most of the people in the arena hate Chelsea, and he ended up getting unintended big pops for calling them 'womanly'


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