Kinney's Carnival of American Soccer V Submission

It's A Simple Game has a great topic for the fifth Carnival of American Soccer.

If someone asked you to describe the character of each of the 12 teams in Major League Soccer, what would you say? What’s the story of each Major League Soccer club from where you sit?

I have done this by equating MLS teams with other teams from the American professional sports landscape. I explain why I chose the teams that I choose. Anyways, my ideas are below.

EAST

Chicago Fire = Oakland Raiders
This isn't because they are the biggest bastards in the MLS as It's A Simple Game views the Raiders (though they do have CJ Brown). It is more because they have a really, really good fan base, and a decent history. It isn't dynasty great, but pretty decent, with lots of US Open Cup victories. Plus if we use this equation then Peter Wilt can play John Madden. I think there are a couple of college football teams that would work as well, because of the fanbases and prevlance of smaller trophies. But I decided to stick with just professional teams.

Columbus Crew = Buffalo Sabers
The Crew are very much like the Buffalo Sabers or "the hardest working team in hockey." Sound familiar, it should. Apparently if you are a small market team with little to no talent you can call yourself hard working. As in "Columbus isn't in last place in MLS it's just hard working." The fact that I doubt non-hockey fans know there is even a team in Buffalo only increases the veracity of this analogy.

DC United = Green Bay Packers
Okay DC fans, let me just start by saying that United hasn't reached Yankee or Celtics dynasty status yet. And frankly, given the parity in MLS I don't think any team ever will. However, it already has wrapped up its status as the Packers of MLS. It won the first two MLS cups, just as the Pack won the first two Super Bowls. Green Bay also has 9 national championships (6 before the advent of the Super Bowl) just as DC United currently has 9 major national or international trophies. Not to mention the fan/franchise relationship that Green Bay has and that United is closest to emulating. If the Packers have the Lambeau leap then United has Christian drumming with the away supporters, Eski dropping off beer to the Barra, and Boswell jumping into La Norte.

Kansas Wiz = Kansas City Royals
One national championship each. Check.
Currently sucking. Check.
Wear blue. Check.
Only people in Kansas City care. Check.
But good luck to the Wiz with their new ownership.

New England Revolution = Jim Kelly's Buffalo Bills
Good team that never won the national championship. That is basically how I sum up the Revs. The red, white, and blue motif of each helps. The fact that the Revs were horrible before 2002 and the Bills have been horrible since Kelly is also a factor. Close, but no cigar should be the Revs motto.

New York Red Bulls = Los Angeles Clippers
Both are completely overshadowed by a large market with a lot of teams and another better team in their market. Unfortunately for the Pink Cows the team that is still overshadowing them folded in 1984. I am pretty sure that TFKA Metro will always be the second best soccer team in New York (of course they aren't actually in New York). People will remember the Cosmos until another Cosmos comes along to overshadow the Pink Cows even more. However, they like the Clippers of today might be on the upswing despite a history of nothing but humiliation. It all depends on what Arena can do.


WEST

Chivas USA = Dallas Mavericks
Both have a really wide open attacking style and an owner that does his own thing (usually with plenty of success). It took a while for both to be able to understand the rules by which their respective leagues operate, though its pretty clear that neither have them completely figured out. They are also very good at importing talent; especially back when the Mavs had Dirk and Nash before international players were really in vogue. But this is mostly for the attacking style that both teams like playing, it is the same mentality in two different games.

FC Dallas = Texas Rangers
Again, the teams have the same color motif and are in the same city. But more importantly both have a history of doing nothing in the playoffs. The Rangers are the team that has been in the league the longest without ever being to the World Series (when you include the time they spent as the Washington Senators), FC Dallas is tied for the same distinction with regards to the MLS Cup game. The Rangers are 1-9 in the post season for their entire existence, luckily for Dallas my rec team could make the playoffs in the MLS. But the Burn has a history of underachieving in the late season and the playoffs that is epitomized by the Rangers.

Houston Dynamo = Indianapolis Colts
Both teams really underachieved in the playoffs last year. However, this is mostly because of the move and franchise change from the San Jose Earthquakes to the Houston Dynamo. Though not as dramatic as moving the entire team with Mayflower Transit trucks in the middle of the night there is no question that the move rubbed a lot of Earthquake fans the wrong way. Hopefully San Jose fans will get their team back sometime soon.

Los Angeles Galaxy = Chicago Bulls
I don't really know which team to pick for the Galaxy. There are really no good ones after I picked DC United as the Packers. I don't want to insult the second best team in the league, but I don't want to imply that they are better than United either. So I chose the Chicago Bulls, it’s a very recognizable and successful team because of Jordan, but isn't the best team in the NBA as far as trophies are concerned. Also, both are sucking it up right about now, though the fact that LA has a chance to grab the Open Cup on an off year says a lot about the franchise.

Real Salt Lake = Houston Texans
Both teams are new to their respective leagues, and both still suck. However, both also have good fan bases.