An Expert's View on the Colorado Rapids

Thanks to the DCenter's partnership with the RAND Corporations Temporal Mechanics and Necromancy Division (used previously last year), we are once again able to bring you someone who knows more about Colorado than we do.

Author Hunter S. Thompson was the creator of gonzo-journalism and an avid sports fan who wrote for ESPN's page 2. Even as a zombie, Mr. Thompson retains great insight into the state of sports in Colorado, and we are pleased to have him here.

Dr. Thompson, welcome to The DCenters.

Sure. If I'm really here. This could just be a bad trip induced by the mescaline-peyote mix I took earlier. Even if it's not a bad trip, it's probably in bad taste. Bad something. Karma, if you believe in that. Which I don't. That's a mark's game. It's far more likely that this is just an excuse to write a bad pastiche of my style. But illusions are more real than reality in this America. Look around you. You see what I'm talking about. There's a darkness to this.

Perhaps, but regardless, let's get onto business. I suppose the big recent surprise was the trade of Clint Mathis to the New York Red Bulls?

Not really. I knew it was coming. Clavijo, that sorcerer, could never have kept him. They had been in Spain, you know? Training, but the real reason was to meet Ferdinand da Bastilla. He's immortal, supposedly, and lives his life in permanent shadow. A follower of Crowley's writings. Clavijo and Mathis had sacrificed this orphan, but then the kid started speaking. Weird stuff, right, because the kid's dead, and they've already sipped from the goblet containing his blood. Portents and Prophecy. "¡El estadio caerá!" the kid said, only this was a deep gutteral tone. Over and over. "¡El estadio caerá!" Satan himself. Clint had dealt with Satan previously, he knew that voice. He had to go then. Clavijo couldn't contain him. It was a matter of time then.

Um. Uh. Um. Well, let's lighten the mood, shall we? There are a lot of jokes being made about "Dick's Sporting Goods Stadium." People keep calling it "The Big Dick." Is that funny?

Why would it be funny? It's fitting. Watching Colorado has been just like fucking. Only without the pleasure. A sweaty, grunting thing leaving you drained and wondering about the whore you're with. Awful. No style, no passion. I had a two-thousand dollar bet with Bill Murray on whether Colorado would score 40 goals last season. I had the money really on Mathis. Mathis knew his dark lord would not abandon him. But that's the dangerous thing about dark magic But Murray saw it for the sucker's bet it was. He took the money. Of course, I was dead already, so the joke's on him. You can't collect on bets when you appear to someone in a dream.

Yet they've added Herculez Gomez up top. That should help?

I'll tell you what will help -- The snipers stationed at the top of DSG park. They're trained on Gomez, ex-Marines, and if he wanders around the pitch like he did at LA, they're ordered to fire. It's a tough business, soccer. Tough. You have to be willing to take a shot to the kneecap, and Gomez understands that. You have to be. Otherwise the vig eats you alive. You have to stare fear in the face, know that you'll be devoured but come out the other side. Man or Superman. Make a choice.

So how will Colorado do this year? Playoff team? Cup contender?

Do you remember 1997? There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we were doing was right, that we were winning. That was the handle — that sense of inevitable victory over the forces of Old and Evil. Our energy would simply PREVAIL. There was no point in fighting — on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave. But then we hit DC. So now, less than ten years later, you can go up on a ski lift in Boulder and look around, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost see the high-water mark — that place where the wave finally broke and rolled back.

Thank you Dr. Thompson. A reminder that our match briefing is up, as is our birthday post, and the overdue debrief for the Chivas match.