The Experts' View on the Chicago Fire
This season The DCenters are providing a series of Expert Opinions each occasion DC United faces a team for the first time. Chicago seemed to be an interesting case, so this time we bring you a roundtable of experts to provide their unique insight about Fire. First, please Democratic Candidate for President and Illinois Senator, Barack Obama:
It's somewhat surprising to find myself here. Four years ago I never would have imagined that I'd be on some cheap soccer blog addressing a bunch of soccer fans. It just shows you the power of dreams in America.
Well, we're glad you're here. Our next expert is famous and beloved for his social awareness around the country. Please welcome Smokey The Bear.
Jesus H. Christ on a pogo stick, do you people not pay attention? It's just Smokey Bear. No "The" in it. I mean, gimme a friggin' break. Donald Duck, Bucky Cat, Smokey Bear. Same frickin' thing.
Sorry Mr. Bear. Won't happen again. My apologies. Our final guest is courtesy of Mary Shelly, please welcome Dr. Frankenstein's Monster.
GRAH!!! GRAHHHHHHH!!!!
Excellent. Well, let's talk about Chicago, they're facing some difficulties with injuries and National Team callups. No Mapp, Guerrero, Thiago, Rolfe, Armas, or Pause. How will they generate offense?
Oh sure, that's what I would expect you to say, Mr. Holier-Than-Thou. Talking about healthcare, are you still smoking? Do you know how many forest fires are caused by people carelessly tossing cigarettes away? I oughta punch you in the face.
FIRE BAD!!!
Well, that's certainly a wide spectrum of opinion there. Now, coach Dave Sarachan has angered many of the Fire's fans with his decisions, and many want him canned. Is Dave in the hot seat would you say?
You know what the hot seat it? It's when jerks like you think it's okay to have a campfire, maybe roast a few marshmallows, and then walk away leaving it to burn out of control. It makes me sick. I mean, really, physically sick. And yeah, Dave's kind of like that. Makes me vomit when I see some of the lineups he puts out there. Caleb Carr runs around all over the field, but does he do anything? No. Grab a bucket of water, you moron, and do something!
It's a failure of leadership at the highest level. Chicago has talent. We have a lot of talent, but if you can't trust your commander - in - chief, then it doesn't matter. The brave players of the Fire, and they deserve our thanks, have been misled and betrayed by this coach. I've been on record as opposing this coach for the longest time, and perhaps some of the other candidates would like to explain where they were last year? It was just as obvious then as it is now.
FIRE BAD!!!
Okay, let's turn to DC United for a moment. They're looking much better now, do you think their run of form can continue?
Sure, I like DC. They play with smoke bombs, but not fire. If they toss it onto the grass which could ignite, then it would be No - More - Mister - Nice - Bear, capish? But keep it in the stands, and keep plenty of beer around to toss on things if they get hot. That's responsible. That's something kids should learn from.
FIRE BAD!!!
Good. Well, my thanks to all of you. Any final words?
Only U-nited can prevent the Chicago Fire. So get off your asses and do it.
FIRE BAD!!!
My thanks to all of you.
Labels: Chicago Fire, Expert Opinion
4 Comments:
I'm worried about No-More-Mr.-Nice-Bear showing up, that could get ugly...
Smokey Bear sounded suspiciously like the Joe Friday-wannabe library cop on Seinfeld.
Brilliant stuff, D.
Brilliant.
Fire bad.
In England, they have Smackey the Frog. Which I think is better, because bears can sometimes be mean. Never do you see a frog hopping towards you and you think oh, man... here comes that frog. I better play dead.
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