15 June 2007

The Experts' View on the Chicago Fire

This season The DCenters are providing a series of Expert Opinions each occasion DC United faces a team for the first time. Chicago seemed to be an interesting case, so this time we bring you a roundtable of experts to provide their unique insight about Fire. First, please Democratic Candidate for President and Illinois Senator, Barack Obama:


It's somewhat surprising to find myself here. Four years ago I never would have imagined that I'd be on some cheap soccer blog addressing a bunch of soccer fans. It just shows you the power of dreams in America.





Well, we're glad you're here. Our next expert is famous and beloved for his social awareness around the country. Please welcome Smokey The Bear.


Jesus H. Christ on a pogo stick, do you people not pay attention? It's just Smokey Bear. No "The" in it. I mean, gimme a friggin' break. Donald Duck, Bucky Cat, Smokey Bear. Same frickin' thing.




Sorry Mr. Bear. Won't happen again. My apologies. Our final guest is courtesy of Mary Shelly, please welcome Dr. Frankenstein's Monster.



GRAH!!! GRAHHHHHHH!!!!





Excellent. Well, let's talk about Chicago, they're facing some difficulties with injuries and National Team callups. No Mapp, Guerrero, Thiago, Rolfe, Armas, or Pause. How will they generate offense?


I think it points out the need for an affordable health care system in this country, and an international policy that makes sense. It is our arrogance, the arrogance of MLS, that says that we play matches during CONCACAF's championship competition. This foreign policy is a disaster. The brace men and women of MLS deserve better, and I hope to provide it.




Oh sure, that's what I would expect you to say, Mr. Holier-Than-Thou. Talking about healthcare, are you still smoking? Do you know how many forest fires are caused by people carelessly tossing cigarettes away? I oughta punch you in the face.







FIRE BAD!!!




Well, that's certainly a wide spectrum of opinion there. Now, coach Dave Sarachan has angered many of the Fire's fans with his decisions, and many want him canned. Is Dave in the hot seat would you say?


You know what the hot seat it? It's when jerks like you think it's okay to have a campfire, maybe roast a few marshmallows, and then walk away leaving it to burn out of control. It makes me sick. I mean, really, physically sick. And yeah, Dave's kind of like that. Makes me vomit when I see some of the lineups he puts out there. Caleb Carr runs around all over the field, but does he do anything? No. Grab a bucket of water, you moron, and do something!



It's a failure of leadership at the highest level. Chicago has talent. We have a lot of talent, but if you can't trust your commander - in - chief, then it doesn't matter. The brave players of the Fire, and they deserve our thanks, have been misled and betrayed by this coach. I've been on record as opposing this coach for the longest time, and perhaps some of the other candidates would like to explain where they were last year? It was just as obvious then as it is now.






FIRE BAD!!!




Okay, let's turn to DC United for a moment. They're looking much better now, do you think their run of form can continue?


I think recently things have changed in Washington. I haven't been in Washington long, but I knew it had to change. You have to find a way to bring hope to the people, to unite the left and right flanks. That's something I think they're doing. Someday, I look forward to telling my daughters, the youngest one probably, about that banner with John Harkes and Marco Etcheverry, and telling her why that monument to them exists. It exists as a statement of a proud past, but also of a hopeful future where the midfield, defense, and attack can all come together, and we can truly bring this great team together.



Sure, I like DC. They play with smoke bombs, but not fire. If they toss it onto the grass which could ignite, then it would be No - More - Mister - Nice - Bear, capish? But keep it in the stands, and keep plenty of beer around to toss on things if they get hot. That's responsible. That's something kids should learn from.



FIRE BAD!!!







Good. Well, my thanks to all of you. Any final words?


Only U-nited can prevent the Chicago Fire. So get off your asses and do it.






FIRE BAD!!!







My thanks to all of you.


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4 Comments:

At 15 June, 2007 16:34, Blogger Longshoe said...

I'm worried about No-More-Mr.-Nice-Bear showing up, that could get ugly...

 
At 15 June, 2007 17:00, Anonymous Dave Lifton said...

Smokey Bear sounded suspiciously like the Joe Friday-wannabe library cop on Seinfeld.

Brilliant stuff, D.

 
At 15 June, 2007 18:24, Anonymous tps said...

Brilliant.

Fire bad.

 
At 16 June, 2007 10:44, Anonymous Goose said...

In England, they have Smackey the Frog. Which I think is better, because bears can sometimes be mean. Never do you see a frog hopping towards you and you think oh, man... here comes that frog. I better play dead.

 

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